My Can Opener

OK, I've written how this is my first time living alone in my whole entire 46 years of life. Well, when I realized I would be furnishing a new apartment for the first time ever to suit me, and ONLY me, I was, needless to say, ever so excited at the prospect of new things and the endless possibilities that this presented!

The idea that I would be able to purchase a frying pan, glass set, pot holder or any other NEW item for my apartment was thrilling to be sure. But more so was the idea that if the frying pan developed a crusty old bottom . . . the glass set went from a set of four to a set of three . . . the pot holder miraculously caught fire by the stove . . . I knew who did it! It was me and it was OK because I paid for it!

First thing I did was run out and buy myself top quality utensils and cutlery. In my world, this includes a can opener because can openers cut cans. I did not want to buy anything that I did not like. I have always wanted a bright red electric can opener. Something about a bright red electric can opener makes me think that it will open the cans faster. Call me crazy! Here was my chance to possess this elusive dream! The day I went to look for one, I did not find THE one that I was looking for. This presented quite a dilemma for me. First of all, there was NO WAY I was buying an electric can opener that was NOT red. The only other alternative was a manual can opener. I seriously contemplated heading to another store. I've owned manual can openers before. You can sometimes risk your money when you buy one. It's like playing the lottery. Will I hit the jackpot and this particular manual can opener work? Or will I have wasted my money and never see it again and have a useless piece of metal occupying space in a kitchen drawer to show for it. I convinced myself that it would not hurt to JUST have a look. I walked over to the kitchen utensils aisle and looked at the many manual can openers available these days. To my surprise, there was one with a red handle! Actually there were several and in many different colors, but all I saw were the red ones. Again, I keep in mind that I want nothing but top quality for my new home. I picked up the wonderful manual can opener with its bright red rubber grip and shiny metal parts that . . . I swear . . . whispered my name. The handle somehow felt quite right in the palm of my hand. I was filled with a sense of hope that this bright red, shiny manual can opener with the good rubber grip could open ALL cans. I was just so caught up in the simplistic beauty of it. I had to have it! So . . . I bought it . . . really, I did.

I brought this bright red, shiny manual can opener with the good rubber grip home with me and gave it its own drawer. OK, well, there are a lot of drawers in this kitchen and I still haven't gotten around to buying much. I kid you not, sometimes when I would open the drawer, it would wink at me when the light hit it just so. I've had this bright red, shiny manual can opener with the good rubber grip for about 8 weeks now. If I had a hammer, I'd smash it into a thousand little pieces. Otherwise, this ugly bright red, shiny manual can opener with the good rubber grip would be the death of me. It worked great when I first got it! As I've used it, more and more, it has lost its oomph. First, trying to grip the can with the can opener is an hour long procedure in of itself. Then, once I've gripped the can, getting it to PIERCE the can is another hour long procedure. Be I ever so lucky to get both of those things accomplished, once it starts to cut into the can, for some bizarre reason it cuts into the can lid instead of around the can lid! I've grown to hate this ugly dull orangey red, crusty manual can opener with the rubbery grip. I am not even sure whatever possessed me to buy this monstrosity!

It is time to go out specifically to buy a new bright red electric can opener. So this weekend, I'll pack my purse and make a day of it. If I do not find the bright red electric can opener in the first store I enter, I will head to another one. And another one and another one, until I have my bright red electric can opener! I am still quite upset over the money spent on this monstrosity of a piece of junk disguising itself as a manual can opener that lured me into a false sense of hope. Trust me; I've learned my lesson on this one. Next time, I want top quality items for my new apartment, I plan to go straight to Wal-Mart and bypass Family Dollar!