Saturday, February 9, 2013

Here I Am!

Ssooo... I've been gone for two weeks! Did you notice? Did anyone notice? :-\ I hope someone noticed! I'll tell you and SHOW you where I've been.

Before I do... I should also share with you how incredibly discouraged I was last Friday when I got out of the hospital... actually... that's not true... I was discouraged up until this morning. :-\

If you've followed me since the beginning, you would have been with me through many ups and downs... particularly my near fatal automobile accident back on November 7, 2009. I walked away from an accident many people don't. My daughter was told the first night was a turning point. If I survived the night.... I could make it. I was left with many scars from that accident. I have a small scar on my right shoulder area between my shoulder and breast. I'm sure there's a technical anatomical word for it but I barely started anatomy and I am not sure what it is and I don't want to look it up right now. I have a story to tell! So I have that scar... it's from where a tube was inserted so I could breath because the right lung was punctured during the accident. I like to show it off and I tell people I had a third nipple removed if they don't know I was in an accident. lol :) Yes! I sometimes DO show it to complete strangers! I also have a scar on my temple along the hair line on the right as well and this scar causes pain when temperatures are extreme... YES! Extreme heat and extreme cold... imagine my surprise when it pained me during the summer... I just assumed it would do that during the winter... and I had surgery on my right eye to correct the tosis of the eye and this left me with what I affectionately call my wild cock-eyed look. Makes my sisters laugh... not sure why... but it is a wild cock-eyed look. :-\

Ssooo... as I am recovering from the accident over the next year and collecting the insurance checks... total of $35K... I start exhibiting symptoms I assumed were "leftovers" from the accident... I lost almost 20 pounds in two months... WHAT woman wouldn't like that? I also had a job I loved become one that I dreaded. No ONE PERSON would like that! All it took was a change in management. :( So... some of these symptoms were attributed to stress and depression. Oh... I also had my heart broken... :'( So the fatigue, headaches and constant nauseated feeling I had were all due to depression... I told the doctor this and he didn't push the testing. My legs started hurting me. I kid you not! I was scared going up and down the three steps into my home. At times, my son had to support me. When I saw the doctor... he thought it might have to do something with the weight gain I was putting back on. He could run more tests but I didn't want to take time off from work. My new supervisor was a monster and insisted I be at the office Every. Single. Day! He went so far as to suggest I should only get sick on the weekends! Can you believe that? I started developing infections easily. I had pimples on my face... three to be exact... that became monstrous infections! One after another... for the next year I slowly became a hermit. Turning down dates because of the fatigue, headaches, nausea, skin infections, leg muscle and joint pain, unexplained fevers and pain in my abdomen. It all came to a head on August 18, 2011 when I went to the doctor absolutely positive I had worked myself up to high blood pressure. It runs in our family so I was positive this was the cause of the headaches and shortness of breath I was experiencing that day. Instead... it was something completely different and you can read about that here or here or even here... I was declared in remission September 19, 2012. One day after my 51st birthday. Yes! That is how I celebrated my 50th birthday... newly diagnosed with chronic myelogenous leukemia... or CML... either way you spell it... scary words... or letters. :-\ 

After I was declared in remission... even after I was diagnosed... I never doubted I would be OK. The optimist in me maybe? I've always seen life with the glass as half full... nothing really bad has ever happened to me... I would survive whatever I had thrown at me. I did not EVER once doubt... God. Would. Heal. Me. EVER! I will admit I was often VERY impatient... I wanted to be healed right away... but God lead me along and healed me when I was ready... in time to return to college to finally become a nurse... I had decided I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. :)

Then two weeks ago... I developed symptoms I thought were related to a spider bite... turns out it was cellulitis! I'm forever meant to be susceptible to infections because of the leukemia... the gift that keeps on giving! The leukemia also brought out rosacea. :-\ Sure! Why not!?! A test to my vanity! Ugh! My one and only fault... vanity! lol ;) I always had someone act shocked that I would say that... they always questioned that because of my weight. :-\ Really? Fat people cannot be vain? Fat has NOTHING to do with that! Anyway... do you want to see something gross?? Let me show you...

Haha! Hospital food! I really thought I would lose weight after a week in the hospital because I went in Monday afternoon and left Friday afternoon and these are the ONLY meals I was able to eat... the rest of the time it was Jell-O gelatin and pudding and OceanSpray apple juice. I didn't think about the IV! Anyway... that really is NOT the gross part of the hospital stay... do you have a strong stomach? I hope you haven't eaten recently... here is the gross part...

the bright pink dot on the bottom of the thigh... it's not part of the cellulitis... it's the sun light peeking in from the blinds... just lighting...

I went back to school last week feeling ever so discouraged... questioning why I was in school and was this even something I was meant to do. But then... I had to weigh myself... I'll tell you why...

So I started school on January 16, 2013. I should also tell you I decided I needed to lose the 65 pounds I put back on over the past two years after I was diagnosed, taking all sorts of meds AND... lucky me... going through menopause on top of everything else!!! :-\ So I went back to school weighing 248... I weighed 265 when I left NH back in March 2008. In 2009 I cut out sodas, white flour and sugar from my diet and lost weight and you can read about that here at the bottom of the post. :) In May of 2010... I had gotten down to 180. I went from a size 26 to a size 16 and at times.... depending on the cut... could squeeze into a size 14. I was happy! :) So right before school started, on January 12th to be exact, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I was not too happy about it... I didn't like the idea of tracking my food and activities... I knew I definitely did NOT want to do the weekly meetings... NO FREAKING WAY! Excuse my language... I was prepared to NOT like it. But I paid the almost $60 dollars for three months... I figured that's all I really needed to see if it would work... three months.... Today's weigh-in had me at 232.2 pounds! Yes! I can hardly believe it! :) There's no stopping me now!

All of a sudden... the doubts that had been peeking over my shoulder dissipated... I CAN do this! I might have to cut out my entire social life... I might have to completely do away with blogging and Facebooking... YES! That's a word! lol ;) But I CAN do this! I have to just buckle down and get to it. So this is the last post I will blog until spring break which is March 11 through the 15 if you are wondering how long you have to be without me... haha... as if anyone is really even reading this... I consider it more of an online journal. lol I hope my daughter finds it after I've passed on and reads and laughs at the stories and pictures I've shared over the years. For starters... how many people are posting pictures of their back end for all the world to see? OK... it's not really my back end but it may very well be! ;) lol 

If I were braver... I'd show you a picture of me full-length. lol Now that's a scary thought for me! I read a blog recently how we need to photograph ourselves more often. We are the only ones who see how imperfect we are... we are the only ones who critique our every move... others instead see what they love... or notice everything else but the faults we see when we photograph ourselves... except for my sisters... :-\ ... there is always someone who is MORE critical of ourselves and there is NOTHING we can do to change that! Instead... we focus on what we have and you can read how I feel about that here. :)

Thanks for stopping by! As always... I hope you leave a comment and let me know you were here. :)

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